I have always been thankful for an adequate life. I have my family bonded with love; I study; I have a lot of friends; we have food on the table and little money to spend. I’m one lucky bitch as they say.

But when he came, I had to reconsider about being lucky. The very moment I realized that we’re getting closer, I knew that he was my karma in the flesh—the sweetest karma heavens have given me.

I knew I wasn’t supposed to fall for someone like him. And for the first time I had doubts about flirting with a guy just because my conscience told me that he’s too good to be hurt by someone like me. But I have fallen too deep to get up and I hadn’t seen it coming. For the first time ako ang naunang umamin, or should I say ‘nanligaw’. Ako ang naghabol, ako ang unang umiyak, and from then on ako na lagi ang umiiyak. I knew I had to keep my sanity intact so I plotted about leaving or giving up but my goddamned heart just cant seem to take it in; and for the first time, natakot akong umalis.

Wow. For the first time in my life I tolerated waiting without nothing firm to hold on to. I waited for the days and months to pass just so I could spend a few hours with him. I waited for emails and texts with hopes of making him stay a bit longer. For the first time somebody succeeded in making me submit to everything and never ask anything in return. I’ve learned that living without him would be living without air. So no matter how I despised waiting for possibly nothing, I continued the days of ‘iddat’ and found myself loving him more.

For the first time I allowed and wanted someone to kiss me long enough to leave me breathless. For the first time I allowed someone to want me back and touch not only my body but also my heart. For the first time in my life I’ve experienced crying because of total happiness and contentment. For the first time I felt overflowing with joy; and for the first time I stooped down low enough to redeem myself in his eyes.

For the first time I yearned for someone so much that I often cry myself to sleep at night. For the first time in my life I dreamt of weddings, and babies, and pretty houses, and sweet dates, and happily-ever-afters like a little girl does. For the first time my father consented on a guy and my mother cared for a boy enough for her to send him sweets during holidays. For the first time I finally admitted that I needed a man in order to feel like a real woman.

Yes, I’ve risked a lot; cried much (I know); but all of this, all that I’ve done and all that I’d still be doing, all my smiles and all the pain… I don’t and would never regret anything. It’s because I know he’s worth it. He’s worth every bit of me.